How To Be Sexy (According To Science)



Get A Hot Mom

A group of horny mice moms (shut up, that’s totally a thing) recently gave new meaning to the term “I got it from my mama” when Biologists from the University of Utah placed them in an orgy setting – sans drugs and ominous piano music – and studied the immediate mousy offspring, more commonly referred to as “Friday night mistakes”. The study found that the male offspring produced 31% more urinary proteins, a bodily discharge that attracts female mice. Sooo…basically, if your mom was a swinger, chances are, you’re going to be more attractive to the opposite sex. And, uh, mice, we guess? Yeah, writing that just made our brains hurt. But whatever; At least we’re sexy! Thanks Mom!

Stop Doing Chores

If your New Year’s Resolution was to stop being a lazy slob and help out around the house, we advise you to reconsider your life goals. According to a study from the American Sociological Review, married men who partake in more traditionally feminine domesticated chores (ie. washing dishes, doing laundry, cooking dinner) are less likely to get laid on a constant basis than those that don’t. However, married men who took on more “masculine” roles – like paying the bills, doing yard work, and working on car troubles – had no problem getting it in. If only we knew how to mow a lawn or change the oil. Or could afford to pay the bills.

Get Some Flashy Dance Moves

If we learned anything from ’70s movies, it’s that women love a man who can dance – just ask John Travolta – but thanks to research conducted by a bunch of British psychologists, we know exactly which moves reel them in the most. Along with noticeable, varied movements of the neck and ass, women are also turned on by guys who rapidly shake their right knee. Yes, you read that correctly: According to science, Forrest Gump was literally the sexiest dancer to ever walk the Earth. So start memorizing some moves (and don’t forget to videotape that shit; we’re in need of a good laugh).

Stop Using Social Media

Social media is a huge part of our lives these days and has even occasionally helped us find some lovin’, but thanks to findings from OkCupid, we’re stepping away from the computer (and not only because the last online relationship we had turned out to be with a 72-year old Austrian man named Anton). After conducting a survey with the dating site’s participants, it was found that twitter users tend to have shorter relationships than people who steer clear of that pesky blue bird. We’ll admit that workers at OkCupid aren’t exactly scientists, but still – if this is true, we’re doomed. #Sucks

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Kitty Pryde Teaches Dudes a Lesson on Snapchat, Threatens to Post Unsolicited D-Pics Online

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In the land of unsolicited d*ck pics, Snapchat is a haven. Those suckers disappear within 24 hours and your phone number isn’t attached. Sounds like an easy win, right? If the receiver is into them, an impromptu hookup could ensue (or a friendly response back — insert wink emoji here), and if they’re not, they disappear! Who cares if it’s legally classified as sexual harassment, right?! I mean, no one will know it’s you, right?! RIGHT?!

Kitty Pryde, an aspiring singer, just rid the world of one less d-pic sender after humiliating him on social media. She was recently the victim of an iCloud hack and several revealing photos of her were posted online. Some creepy guy named Geoffrey saw them and snapped her a few below-the-waist photos in response, because hey, she was asking for it. Why would you take sexy photos of yourself if your phone has the potential to be hacked? Like, if you bought that new iPhone with a camera and have a body you selfied at least one time, you totally deserve that breach of privacy.

But Kitty is a badass and put this dude in his place almost instantly. Here’s how it went down:

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Kitty Pryde FTW.

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